Register Your C.L.I.T.

Coalition for the Liberation of Itinerant Tree-dwellers

This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve seen come from a government — and that’s saying a lot, given the sociopathic narcissists we’ve had running the Federal Government for the last hundred years or so.

The State of South Carolina actuallly passed a law requiring subversive organizations to register with the State.

For a five-dollar fee, no less.

This is why I have such a difficult time taking terrorist threats seriously.  The gaping holes in logic that would allow the stupidest State legislator to spend more than a picosecond’s time considering this legislation are so stark that it’s not even worthy of comment.

Think of this for a moment:  not only did it make sense to one legislature, it made sense to both the South Carolina House, Senate, and its Governor.  Really.  You can’t make this up.  No one would believe it if you did.

I want to be clear that I’m not in any way suggesting or condoning subversive activity, fraud, or anything illegal.  That in mind, I’m curious what would stop someone from downloading the form, filling it out out with bogus information, and then mailing it in — without the required fee?

Think about it for a moment:  in a country in which we now have a KGB (sorry, that’s Department Of Homeland Security here in the U.S.) what would the State of South Carolina be forced to do if they started receiving these forms?

Lacking the five-dollar fee, they couldn’t file it.  They couldn’t just throw it away, either.  It would need to be investigated, both by the State and then passed on to Federal officials.

I’m simply curious how much KGB manpower might be thrown at it, should the State of South Carolina suddenly start getting huge numbers of these forms?

It’s just an idle thought.  I’m explicitly not suggesting that anyone download the form; fill it out using an organization name like “Coalition for the Liberation of Itinerant Tree-dwellers“; use “Bubbles the Chimp” as the chief agent’s name; and use the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ mission statement for the organization’s goals.

Not the FBI

The reason I’m not suggesting (or even implying) this is because it would be fraudulent.  And having mentioned the details in public, the next knock on my door would be from men in dark suits from the FBI.

So honestly, don’t do it.  Really.  Honestly, I’m not kidding:  don’t do anything illegal.

If, however, you’re a member of a subversive organization, I’d like to reiterate the State’s instructions.  Indeed, if you’re a member of a subversive organization, I would demand that you register with the State:

1. Download and complete PDF form that you can find at this link
2. When you’ve completed the form, follow the directions and make sure you send it and a $5.00 filing fee to:

South Carolina Secretary of State’s Office
Attn: Corporate Filings
P.O. Box 11350
Columbia, SC 29211

Make absolutely certain that you include the filing fee of $5.00.  As mentioned above, to do otherwise would no doubt cause some level of unnecessary consternation with various government agencies.  If you’re a credible subversive organization, it’s shouldn’t be hard to come up with five bucks.

Finally, I have a request for subversive agencies registering with the State of South Carolina:

I’m aware that subversives typically take precautions against detection.  In this circumstance, that might include:

• Explicitly purchasing all supplies necessary to the task, including: face mask, gloves, bottled water, paper, stamps, and envelopes.
• Thoroughly cleaning (optimally sterilizing) the work area where the registration is prepared.
• Wearing the aforementioned face mask and gloves when handling the form and supplies.
• Using the aforementioned bottled water rather than saliva to wet the stamp.
• Destruction of all remaining supplies purchased for the task.  Any remaining paper, stamps, or envelopes from the supplies purchased for the task would be destroyed.
• Dispersing any evidence of the aforementioned destruction over as wide a geographic area as possible.  Optimally, it would be dispersed near the South Carolina State Capital building.
• Mailing the registration from a random mailbox so out-of-the-way that you’d neither been there before nor could you find your way home without a GPS.  Preferably said mailbox should be in another state not bordering your own.  Optimally, the registration would be posted from within the South Carolina State Capital building.
• Only discussing the registration and mailing with those immediately associated with the act, and then never mentioning it again, under any circumstances.  This would particularly apply to periods of intoxication or the temptation to discuss it with close friends or family members.

I would explicitly request, simply as a favor, that you refrain from such precautions in this instance.  If you are indeed a subversive organization, I would be eager to see you charged with any crimes you may have committed.  Taking steps to evade detection would obviously hamper any investigation against you.

Just obey the law — to do otherwise would be illegal.

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